Congratulations….We Have Another 17 Year Old Boy

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My husband and I have had challenges with our 17 year old.  I mean real challenges.  At the age of sixteen, he seemed unreachable, rebellious, and like a stranger.  I never cried so much in one year.  My son and I are a lot alike and have always been very close.  To see him slip away….was devastating.

A year forward, he is making really positive strides. We are communicating well, he is attending school, our trust is rebuilding.  He is a smart and caring person and I am seeing the boy I knew my whole life.  I am seeing a young man with unlimited potential.

We recently offered his seventeen year old best friend a place to live.  May sound crazy when we are dealing with our own son’s continued growth, but this young adult was kicked out of his home,  He was living with a neighbor in a small two bedroom house with about twenty other people.  He slept on the floor.  His items were stolen.  He had no money for lunch.

There are always two sides of every story and we met his parents tonight.  They were exasperated.  They were done, according to his mother.  They agreed the environment he was living in was not safe, but they did not want him home.

I know from my experience with my son, how you can reach the end of your rope.  I know how exhausting and emotionally draining it can be. What I cannot understands is having my son out in the world with no parental guidance and support when he is a minor.

I am not judging his parents.  We have always loved our son, and have always to try to provide stability and support.  Yet, our son choose to reject all of that at onetime and was quite prepared to throw away any possibility of a future.  I was beyond worry, and beyond being heartbroken.  However, my husband and I made the decision to do anything we could to save him.  I could not give up.  I could not let go.  I had to find a way to reach him.  I had to find a way to save him.

So we have an additional teenager in the house. My heart breaks when I think of a child sleeping on a floor, with no stability or safety.  I hope we can make a difference from him.  I still also hope to be the best parent I can be to my son who is still maturing and figuring his life out.

It is not easy being a parent and there is no instruction manual on how to do everything right and have your child turn our perfectly.  By conversations with friends and co-workers, it seems more parents then you would except have teens that are seriously struggling.

Am I just getting old and think this generation is the scariest time to grow up or has the world really changed.  What do you think?

Friend or Foe?

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I was talking to a friend of thirteen years.  We just had lunch and were chatting in her car catching up.  Sara asked me to help her with a problem.  She explained that her boss wanted her to complete a form explaining where she wants to be in the company in five years.  Sara’s dilemma was that she did not see herself at that company in five years.  She was not particularly happy with her job.

A little back story on this – Sara has been struggling with what she wants to do with her life for about ten years.  She was approaching fifty years old, and she felt she was not working to her potential. She tried different fields and different companies.  She even quit work entirely and stayed home for a year.  To no avail, she still felt unfulfilled.

I told her how smart she was and how she could do anything she sets her mind to.  I suggested she write down the five things that she was passionate about and maybe that would lead her to what she really wanted to do for a career.  At that point, she became really upset and angry.  She told me to “Please get out of her car.”  As I looked at her in disbelief, she said, “Now!”  I was going to apologize, although I was unsure of what I did.  Instead, I grabbed my purse and as I was shutting her car door, she abruptly pulled away.

I was sincerely trying to help Sara that day.  I wanted to build her confidence and provide the best advice I could think of.   When I thought about that incident later that day, I remembered other times that she has been irrational and angry with me over the years and I never understood why.   The storms would pass quickly and our friendship would resume as if nothing happened.  This day was unlike any other.  I have never been treated that way (by anyone!).  I started questioning whether it was time to break up with my friend.

I read a survey once that the average length of a friendship is 10.23 years.  I think like any other type of relationship, it is difficult to know when it is time to move on. The nature of true friendship is being supportive and there for each other through good and bad times.  A friend is someone you can trust, you can be yourself with, and can count on for support.   I wondered if I should forgive the outburst.  I mean, anyone can have a bad day or a meltdown.  Was I not being a good friend by ditching a friend of fourteen years over one day?

What I realized with my friendship with Sara, was that I was never really comfortable being totally myself with her.  She was very serious and analytical and I was always more optimistic, laid-back, and don’t take myself or life so seriously.  I believe I tried to fit a role she expected of me.   In essence, when I was with her, I tried to be more like her so she would accept and like me.

That day that she kicked me out of her car was the first day in all of those years, I really gave her my true thoughts and opinions with all the passion and enthusiasm which makes me…..me.

After careful thought, I decided to end the friendship.  It did not feel real to me anymore – which was not going to be beneficial to either of us.  I was honest with her, and initially Sara did not understand.  She was angry and then accepting, but sad.

I am sad too.  It is hard to walk away from someone I believed was one of my closest friends for over a decade… but I don’t regret the decision.  I do wish her the best, but I also wish to be myself – flaws, passion, humor, and all.

Do you think I made the right decision?

64,999 Times Too Many?

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A 42 year old Dutch woman was charged with harassment this
month for calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times.  When I heard it on the radio, I thought to myself, wow, this woman really had something she needed to say.

The official definition of a breakup on Wikipedia is: relationship
breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, is the termination
of a usually intimate relationship by any means other than death.  This is a very formal statement for “being dumped” by someone.

Why do completely rational people lose their minds in a
break up?  Most all of us have experienced it.  There are songs about
it, movies, and books.  Type it in Google as a search and over 9 Million results come up.

Most of us know the pain and rejection that comes with a
breakup, but what makes someone cross the line?
Do breakups seem crazier now or is it the advent of the technology
throwing everyone’s dirty laundry out there for all to see?  You can watch real breakups on YouTube – everything from the breakee cursing out the breaker to someone running over an ex with their car.

According to a Cosmopolitan Magazine survey, 27% of women have been dumped electronically. 16% of women have been dumped by the guy never getting in touch again.  I don’t know if there are particular best practices in breakups, but texting or disappearing off the face of the earth probably wouldn’t be listed as the best ways to go.

Was the woman that called 65,000 times crazy?  Seems so, but really who am I to judge?  Could I picture doing that? No, but I can’t say that I haven’t thought of some crazy revenge on an ex, even though I never carried it out.

Are society’s new rules of communication causing relationship -ending mayhem?  I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

The Sign

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At work today, I passed a sign hung up on a cubicle.  The sign read, “What makes your life good?”  I thought it was an interesting question.  Especially interesting that
someone took the time to hang that up for all to ponder.I thought about the answer. I didn’t want to come up with the typical responses of my family, my home,
my job, etc…

So what does make my life
good?  I think what makes my life good is
a belief that life is good.  I have had
my share of hardship, frustration, and tears like everyone else. I had an extremely
difficult year with my father being diagnosed with terminal Cancer and problems
with my teenage son. Yet, I always believe that there is something good around
the corner.  I always believe I will make
it through the hard times.

Have you ever known someone that constantly laments about
how bad their life is and how nothing goes there way?  Typically, the person will have one
difficulty or challenge after another.
Is it coincidence or a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I know a woman that has a loving husband, a beautiful home,
successful grown children, and good health.
Yet, there is always something she can find to complain about.  Small trivial matters will set her into a
tailspin about how difficult and unsatisfying her life is at any given
moment.  She is unhappy and when I listen
to her I know why.  She seeks it.

Is choosing happiness really the key to being happy?  Scientific research is making the case that
happiness is a choice.  I believe there
are some vital keys to being happy.

  • Be grateful for what you have now.  There are positive aspects that are there
    right now in your life.  Do you have good
    health?  A job you love?  Children that make you smile?  Look for and be thankful for the components
    of your life that are good.
  • Take some time to appreciate the small stuff.  A beautiful fall day, the flowers blooming,
    or a great day at the park.
  • Take time for yourself.  Relax and enjoy living in the moment, even if
    it is a few minutes every day.
  • Don’t put happiness on hold.  Don’t wait to be happy until you get that
    raise, or find a relationship or lose ten pounds. Happiness is from within.  Accept yourself for who you are and accept
    your situation – right now.
  • Spend time promoting positivity and helping
    others.
  • Forgive.
    I have found that the bad times I have gone through have taught me
    important lessons and make me grow as person.
    Hurt and disappoint are part of life, but it is what you learn and take
    from these experiences that count.  Don’t
    hold on to the pain, hold on to the knowledge and understanding about yourself
    that you’ve gained.

Take a happiness quiz at http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Satisfaction-with-Life-Scale
and see where you fit.  Let me know your
thoughts on happiness.  Are you
happy?  Why or why not?

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Fall in love or fall in hate.  Get inspired or be depressed.  Ace a test or flunk a class.  Make babies or make art.  Speak the truth or lie and cheat.  Dance on the tables or sit in the corner.  Life is divine chaos.  Embrace it.  Forgive yourself.  Breathe.  And enjoy the ride…

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