I believe in God.  I think.  At least, I desperately want to.

All of my life, I have envied those that seem at peace with their faith in God.  Those that believe unconditionally in their religion and their beliefs.  I have always struggled with mine.  I want to believe in heaven.  I want to believe there is a all-knowing and loving entity greater than humanity.  I want to believe prayers are heard.  As much as I have tried, I have never felt that “faith”.  I have never felt that connection.

I was raised Catholic.  I attended religious teaching every Saturday and church every Sunday.  I remember sitting in my religion class, as young as second grade, and just questioning everything.  Being a very curious child and asking why God killed people when one of his commandments is Thou Shall Not Kill did not go over very well with the religious instructors.  I was not asking this to be a smart alack.  I really didn’t understand.  I guess, I still don’t.

I have a lot of questions about the Bible, faith, and God.  I have searched high and low for the answers.  I have read the Bible, talked to priests, took World Religion classes in college, and talked to friends about their faith.  I want to make sense of it.  I want to have that comfort and peace that I see in others at one with their faith.

I have a close friend who finds such comfort in her faith.  I mean, true peace that all is in God’s hands. When she has problems or troubling times, her faith helps to guide her through the difficulties.  I asked her how she came to this place with her faith.  She told  me simply that I have to open up my heart to God and he will come.  The problem is, I don’t know how.

I can’t help but think that something is wrong with me.  Why can’t I feel what others seem to naturally feel about God and faith?  I want to believe, really believe. But how?